He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
