I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
