So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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