new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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