i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
