then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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