Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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