You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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