Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize