Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My vagina just clenched in fear
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
