i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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