Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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