I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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