All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
