So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
