Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
