I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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