For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
