My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
