I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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