I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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