i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
