the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
