11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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