you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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