she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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