After last night, I could never be a politician.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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