Screwed.edu
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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