I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
