i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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