forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
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we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
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I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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