Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
