Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
