hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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