Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
