Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize