Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
