when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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