Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
my poor anus
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
