Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
