It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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