I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
