no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
