I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
