Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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