You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
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