I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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