oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.