she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor