i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
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the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
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I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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