Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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