My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
do nipples grow back?
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