i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
