Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
