tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
