Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
