fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
