If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
